Friday, November 19, 2010
This year has been a journey of self and self-awareness to the things and people that complete me. I had an, "Ah,ha" moment this last year when I had to lighten my load of a friendship that I had fostered since I was a child. I meant and wish for no harm but to continue it would have continued to build a toxicity toward her. I miss her at times, but it truly is the idea of her not the reality. So with that, I am number one thankful for the ability to stand up for myself this year. It's an odd thing to be thankful to be selfish but for many years I have given to that relationship with little reciprocation. We all want love in our lives but we must start with ourselves.
It is the positive and nurturing relationships that help to shape us. A smile from my little sister, helps remind me of this. Something I have been very lucky to have in my life is my sisters. Through each of our ups and downs through all the years we have always been best friends. We may not agree on everything all the time but they truly are wonderful women. I love them.
~ a wonderful husband who always loves and looks out for me
~ for our blessed family
~ my mom, she made me
~ our family & friends
~ the roof over our head
~ the food on our table, each morning and night
~ my faith in God
Friday, August 20, 2010
What a glorious time I had yesterday! I got to go get my bangs trimmed and almost by myself. I put my son Xander down for a nap and told my husband I was going to finally get our grocery shopping done. It was a week late. Once I had our baby in her car seat and me in my driver’s seat, I started the car. Only when I glanced in the rear view mirror I thought, “Really? I’m going out in public like this?” My bangs hung nearly half way down the bridge of my nose … at least it felt that way. In reality, they were just far enough into my eyes to start driving me slowly insane.
Now that I’m a mother, I feel so lucky and blessed each day, yet I still have my moments. I just turned 40. I have a nearly three year old boy and a 10 month baby girl. As mothers we are pulled so many different directions. When I had a career, I taught high school and middle school theater, and held down another part time job in finance. I thought that life was stressful.
I never knew what true stress felt like until I experienced rearing my own children (I also never knew true innocent love either). Yet, it was the bangs that seemed to be taking me over the edge that day. So with a puff of air to blow them out of my eyes, I thought, let’s just drive by a Super Cuts and see if I could get in.
Within minutes I was there. The parking lot looked fairly empty, “Score!” I parked the car, grabbed the baby and in we went. No one was waiting. In fact there were just the two hair dressers gabbing. “What the freak!” I thought, “I’ll get an all around trim.” I sat in the chair and asked for a dry cut; no time for the whole treatment. I still had to get to the grocery store. Rory sat in her car seat happy as a clam, playing with her rattle while mom gave herself a treat. Within twenty five minutes I was done and it was a decent trim, I might add.
As I got in my car, I glanced back in the mirror, There you are, I thought. Smiling, I pulled out of the parking lot and headed to the grocery store. I was back at the house within an hour and a half. It’s these little moments that help me to reflect; I love my life. I may have my own hairdresser upset with me a bit, but I have my sanity and no more bang issue and can conquer another day. I’m a happy mom!
Friday, August 13, 2010
A Comedy of Errors
I recently joined SLC Mommies, a networking mothers group. I found myself slowly going insane and Jim had suggested I find some friends. ;) As most of you know, I am the mother to two adorable children; an almost three year old boy, Xander and a 10 month old baby girl, Rory, who in all actuality looks 6 months. I sometimes have to remind myself that they are adorable and this day was another one of those days.
We just recently experienced our first official SLCM “playdate” to be fully honest our first and only “playdate” so far. Sure we have gotten together with kids, a friend from high school, my sisters and there kids, but this was our first official one and it started out, well let’s just say, there must be a full moon approaching.
A few weeks back I met some of the mothers’ right after I joined the slcm’ers for coffee one night. I was a bit apprehensive to meet new people but it was as if we were all breathing the same air, the mom air ~ we all seemed to relate and listen to each other. I felt a connection with these women and as I left that night my steps felt a bit lighter and a smile encompassed my face. I was looking forward to our next get together when I could bridge the gap and bring the kids.
The Park. Growing up in SL I am fairly confident with how to get to different places across the valley but had never heard of Willow Pond Park and therefore entrusted the new GPS system my husband installed on my phone. He raved about this new system, “It’s so much better then the Sprint’s version”, he exclaimed. So running late, I quickly got back on line and found the address and entered it in my phone. Fourteen miles, be there in 15 minutes it said. Excited I put the kids in the car explaining to Xander we were off to the park to meet some new kids. I do have to give it points; it got us to a park, just not Willow Pond. After making a few circles of the dog park it brought us to and driving down a few different roads, I decided to stop to ask for directions. Within a half an hour of leaving we made it to our right destination.
Finally we were at the park, out of the car he flew. He didn’t care which park we were at he just wanted to go to the park, so off he “shuffled off to buffalo”. My son Xander looks like those women who use to power walk around the malls when he runs or walks fast, elbows up moving his arms back and forth, he was on the ground and gone. I with my stroller, baby in car seat hooked in and large bag of everything, made my way to our lovely group organizer that had so nicely placed her self under a tree with plenty room for more. A bit flustered I rambled on about being lost; I grabbed Rory in the car seat from the stroller and placed her in the direct sun. I had placed myself so nicely in the shade, all the while continuing my rant. I soon set out our blanket and then realized I was baking the baby. I moved her to the shade. Relaxing, I grabbed my soda, took the lid off and squeezed my lemon directly into my eye, no kidding. I tried to act cool, thinking I could take the pain, I continued to squeeze the lemon, the inside of my eye began to burn and then once again the juice shot directly into my eye. I couldn’t help but think this had to be a Comedy of Errors!!!
All seemed to be going well, the sky was blue, kids were playing, more moms had shown up and light talk had begun. The day seemed to be progressing nicely; the worst thing that happened since the lemon incident was Rory had a few power spit ups. I just changed her formula to an off brand and it’s not sitting well with her but I am bound and determined to get through the canister; a little on the blanket, in my crotch, (why always the crotch I ask???) and some on the grass. She was tired. We missed her morning nap to make our park date and so the fussing began.
The sun was at its high point in the day and Xander too. He soon came over and wanted to get in the water, off his shirt went, but of course, he just “skimmed” the edge of the water area and never actually got in. He then “shuffled off” right back to the park and slides. I called after him to put his shirt on but he would have none of that. Xander has hit his “terrible two’s” at almost three, oh, joy, oh rapture. My goals these days have been to run him ragged, so ragged that he has no energy left to act out. This was not the case today. He played for another 20 minutes or so and I began to feel the heat on my back and knew I would have to get his shirt back on him. When he made his next pass I grabbed him and the dance began. He didn’t want his shirt on. I did. I tried to calmly tell him to settle down as he flailed himself about. I held tight and won, of course, but he was in a tizzy regardless and when one is the other one soon follows. I knew it was about time to leave, they all know it was time to leave but I waited it out a bit longer giving Xander a bit more time to enjoy and play with the new kids, free of any grasp.
From the outside we may have looked a mess, or we may not have. We may have just looked like any of you on any other day. It was our first playdate impression, trying to reason with a 2 plus year old to calm down or we will leave, trying to avoid the piercing scream the adorable baby was continually on the verge of by placing another bottle of the cheaper “you will finish this canister” formula in her mouth, that she then spit up as we strolled away to our car, is all in a days work. I love being a mom and I love finding a group of women with whom I may commiserate.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
2009, in review!
Blogging. I like to blog. I do. I like to post my random thoughts into a somewhat cohesive story and imagine that others not only enjoy my writing but appreciate my fantastic insights into the world around and then I woke up. Obviously I am not that dedicated to the institute of blogging, seeing that I only made two post in the year 2009.
What did I do that year, you ask??? Ahhh, lets see… Well to start out I accepted a job directing an elementary school’s musical. We decided to do Disney’s Beauty and the Beast so that was my first three months of the New Year. It was a lot of fun and the kids were amazing. It really was great to get back into the swing of directing and interesting how serious they all took the show.
Soon after I started working on Beauty and the Beast we found out we were indeed pregnant with our second child. Oh, Joy!! Oh, Rapture!! Within a few days from finding out I started to bleed and bleeding like I was, is not good. I immediately felt I was miscarrying and Jim and I rushed to the emergency room. I had passed quite a bit of blood and by the time I had gotten there it seemed to have subsided. They did an ultrasound and saw that I was still pregnant. The thought was that I might have miscarried a “twin”. Through it all, Rory Genevieve was born on October 6, 2009.
The spring of 2009, I was bound and determined to not be a “frumpy” pregnant lady. My last pregnancy I was bed ridden for the last 3 months and therefore my wardrobe consisted of a variety of pajama pants and t-shirts. So, Xander and I flew to AZ to visit Carolyn & Mickey and I did a little hip mom shopping. I also frequented a few thrift stores around town and found some second hand pregnancy clothes and some just very large shorts, I was set! I always admire those women who always look good, no matter what state they find themselves in. How do they do it? That summer I attempted it… I’d give myself a B for effort.
I also assistant directed Pirates of Penzance (an all time favorite of my families growing up!) at a community theater in SL with my sister. My husband was a bit involved with the production also, he choreographed the fight scenes. I was excited to help out with the show but a bit antsy, I didn’t want it to take away from my family that summer. So with Jim involved it truly felt as if it was a family affair! Xander loved to be down at the theater watching the Pirates and the Pirate King in there big musical numbers. It was great to shift and be around adults and it also re-reminded me why I don’t act, you have to be around other actors ~ too much ego.
Summer Sundays we hung out at the community pool. Xander never wanted to leave and always broke down crying but within minutes of being in the car would fall immediately a sleep. Watching Jim and Xander play together is a bit of what I imagine heaven to be. This was Xanders first, Big Boy haircut!
The true highlight of our year was the birth of our daughter, Rory. I pushed once and she was here, it makes me a bit sick too ~ Way fast! Xander has been great with her and that’s been a big relief. It’s hard bringing in another body into an already existing family for a little one. He is doing well, we all are.
I hope to blog more this year. Here’s to 2010!!!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Is it alright to pursue or keep old flames as friends?
When two people have shared an intimate relationship and it then ends, can they come back to just being friends? My husband has been married a few times and has kept a relationship with his first wife over the years. Mind you, they have no children together, no reason to “stay connected” except that they have known one another since high school and through it all they have a special bond still to this day.
I am secretly thankful he doesn’t have this connection with any other ex, this one is hard enough for me to handle. One part of me admires him and his ability to keep this relationship over the years. Another part of me is a bit nervous and jealous about this ability to maintain such a close friendship through the years.
I have an ex and we haven't stayed friends, mind you, neither of us have pursued it. My life with my husband and children is wonderful ~ I only see him by my side. I just wonder am I missing out on something by not fostering my ex as a friend? I feel no animosity toward my ex. I wonder if we had ended the relationship on better terms, if we would still possibly be friends? He was at a very significant time in my life, my best friend. Maybe that truly is the hardest thing to have to get over, not the break up but that the friendship is gone.
People fall in and out of love all the time, in a marriage couples find themselves falling in and out through the years. The one through line that seems to be universal and help hold the relationship together through the highs and lows is the friendship. I propose that the friendship is the more intimate part of a relationship. I believe it may hurt the most when that friendship is gone.
So when the love of a relationship is over and that brings the end of a relationship, can just a friendship truly continue, or is there someone who is always holding on to a bit more? Finally, are those of us who do throw those relationships away and don’t look back ~ are we missing out on a deeper friendship and connection by eliminating those relations because the “love” we had is now gone?
Thursday, August 06, 2009
So most recently I have been easily irritated. This could be due to the fact that I am in my seventh month of pregnancy or it could just plainly be that there are a lot of irritating people.
One of my biggest irritation strings from my family and there total “anti-liberal” views. It didn’t seem that long ago when we weren’t so against one another. In fact my mother and a few of my siblings claimed to be democrats for quite some time. Now what happens at family functions is a portion of them,(the anti-liberals) cluster together and bash President Obama. I believe truly that this wouldn’t go on like it does if he was a white Democratic President. It is sad, but true, there are a number of bigots in my family. Another irritation!
My problem is, I don’t speak out when I hear them. I don’t want to "stir the pot" as my mother would say and so I hold it in until I can get to someone who has a more equal view of the world and can share my opinion with them. What they currently are going on about is the caricature of Obama as The Joker and how they would like to get a bumper sticker of it, blah, blah, blah…
I don’t get it. We as a nation have come so far, with the whole “liberty and justice for all” when here in my own family I don’t believe a portion of them would object to separate bathrooms for “whites, blacks & gays”.
I understand if you don’t agree with our current democratic office that holds the majority. I didn’t fully agree with the last one that ran the nation but I certainly didn’t go around bashing President Bush and disrespecting the job that he was doing. I like most supported him through out his presidency. It wasn’t until close to the end that I felt his judgment was truly impaired. Even then, I still respected him as our nation’s president.
It truly is so hurtful the way I hear family members talk or “dis” others of a different race. I think of our “Barbie & Ken” friends who adopted a black baby and the ridicule they had received from total strangers. It is the words we use, regardless of the joking intent that hurt all. We claim to be one nation, how hard is it really to act as one?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
25 Random things, hmmm...
Facebook, the new obsession at least for those who are suckered into it. Suckers like me. I was sent "25 Random Things" to list about myself on Facebook, this I did. This list, that I spent maybe 45 minutes on, shed some light on me to me. I am a simple person. I appreciate simple things and it made me want to share or post the things I am most thankful for. Think of it as the Oscars with no one to cut you off, here goes.
1. My mother. She told me when I was in high school that she had made a list of all the things her mother had done to her when she was growing up and vowed not to repeat them when she had children, she then told me she had done every single one. We are all human, thank you for reminding me of that.
2. My son. He is the light in my day. I strive not to make the same mistakes but hope that you will always remember, I too am only human.
3. Being home. I look outside each day and give thanks that I am back. I am back with my friends, family and the seasons. (Oh, how I missed the seasons!) Thanks for bringing me home Jim.
4. My brothers & sisters. They each have touched my life and have been there for me at some of my most difficult & joyous times. I hope I have been able to reciprocate in some way through the years.
5. Our freedom. We have come such a long way as a nation, I am truly proud to be an American.
6. My past. I am so thankful for my experiences and other lives I have lead. They have helped shape me into the person I now am. A wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I have had many highs and lows and am so thankful I've experienced them all.
7. My teenage years. This is when I began to feel roots. I met some of my best friends but more importantly, my husband. It was this love that made me believe love does exist.
8. My love for reading. My mother helped instigate this in me. Nancy Drew, Little House on the Prairie and Anne of Green Gables.
9. My faith. Faith in this world, faith in one another, faith in my friends, faith in my family, faith in God.
10. Laughter. I believe we both find our selves laughing whole heartily at least once a day with Xander in our lives. I love to laugh!
11. Jim. I am so thankful that he is in my life, in our sons life. He is a deeply caring husband, father and friend. He is my "Buddha" and helps bring peace in to my life when all I see is chaos.
12. The Glad Game.