TibKat's Insight's
Friday, April 28, 2006
Hysteria
I remember standing in my bedroom looking outside my window with my two older brother’s right by me going into hysterics the first time I saw hailstones fall from the sky. In my little mind I thought the world was ending. I don’t remember how old I was, I just remember the sheer feeling of fear that encompassed my body that my world, my family’s world, the world, was ending. I remember my mother then by my side holding me, trying to calm me down, explaining that it was hail. I think it was the word given to the huge golf sized ice balls falling out of the sky, hail. I didn’t want to go to “hail”.
I have had these moments all through out my life. Hysteria. My family and husband have been first hand witnesses of this phenomenon. I suppose I have been scared that all the things I care about and love will eventually be taken from me. When I feel as if I have lost all control to manage a situation I find myself falling into hysterics.
I suffered from “Night Terror’s” when I was young. I would literally be asleep and get out of bed because something was chasing me and run to my mother’s bed side begging her to help me, to make it go away. I suffered from night terror’s until I was sixteen.
This has manifested in many ways through out my life. It has scared many people that I love and care for.
I now know this is something real,
Hysteria is a diagnostic label applied to a state of mind, one of unmanageable fear or emotional excesses. The fear is often centered on a body part, most often on an imagined problem with that body part (disease is a common complaint). People who are "hysterical" often lose self-control due to the overwhelming fear.
I know that it is something I have suffered from through out my life. I feel that I am now better at managing this fear. I recognize it and that was my first step forward in dealing with it. I have made numerous errors in my life, some attributed to this, not the reason for my mistakes but more an understanding as to why I have reacted as I have.
"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces." ~Sigmund Freud
Friday, April 21, 2006
Happy Birthday Grandpa
There is nothing in this world that smells better to me then the rain falling on the desert floor. On this day, April 21, 2006, my grandfather, Roy Smith would be 102. It is because of this amazing man that I love this desert and why my husband and I live here.
The picture above is of my Nanny and Grandpa, they were a "Movie Star" quality couple! My Nanny and Grandpa moved to Black Canyon City, AZ in 1972. They spent most of their remaining years under the landscape of black lava mountains and Saguaro cactuses. They took the four oldest grand kids; this included me, on countless camping trips when we were kids. I remember going fishing for the first time with my Grandpa, not actually me fishing but at least being out in his boat while he fished.
My grandfather had working hands. They were strong, hard and callused. But when I held his hand I always felt safe as if nothing in the world would or could harm me because he was by my side.
My grandfather was a protector of rattle snake attacks, a carpenter; you could always find him down in “the shop”, a hunter, a father and a husband to my Nanny for nearly 63 years. He helped build countless schools, buildings and homes including their own. He worked on the Hoover Dam and also Route 66. He taught my older brothers how to shoot a gun and how to drive his truck, (right into their pump house). Logan, afterwards, spent countless hours repairing it with him … silly Logan. He was a man I always looked up too, even as a small child and to this day he lingers in my dreams at night.
My mother was their only child, and it seemed by “accident”. My Nanny always told us that she wanted five children but that Father didn’t want any so she was so grateful that they had my mother. You never would have believed this tale, my Grandpa loved my mother more then anything in this world. He had countless tales of her growing up with him at her side.
I remember standing in his shop on a beautiful hot Arizona day and telling my sister and me about a hunting trip he took my mother on when she was about our age. They came upon a clearing in the forest and there in the distance stood a beautiful 4 point Buck. With rifle in her hand he told my sister and I how he had lined up the shot for my mother perfectly. As she pulled back the trigger and shot the rifle she closed her eyes only wounding the buck and leaving my Grandpa to finish the job.
Two funny things about this story for me; one, my mother with a rifle in her hand and two, my grandfather close to twenty years later going on about my mother with even her eyes closed making the shot. He was a proud man.
Happy Birthday Grandpa, we miss you and Nanny both.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I am not afraid...
I had the best time over the last few days and in Vegas of all places! The school that I work for had a teachers retreat there for two nights. My husband was also able to hang with all of us out in the sun; we had a great time.
When I got home and checked my e-mail and blog I found that I had a number of comments posted by some one who called themselves, “Anonymous”. I was a bit anxious and curious to read them. As I read one after another I soon figured out that they were from my sister who has “removed” herself from our family.
Here is a person whom I love and care about and always have, regardless of the hurt or pain between us. Why the comments aren’t here is due to the fact that they were her attempt to hurt me, not a way to open up a dialogue. I don’t want that on my site.
Over the past six months or so my family has been through some turmoil or hell in some degree, some more than others. There are two sides to each mans story in life as there is in this instant.
I don’t want to further damage this family by throwing daggers at one another. The damage has been done. For those that played a role in it, they will have to make amends to God and their family member. It is not for me to "call them to Jesus", I tried and was very unsuccessful.
I am sorry for how this all came about. I do love my family more then anything and it pains me that we will never be the same, never.
I welcome dialogue.
“I am not afraid… I was born to do this.” Joan of Arc
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Feminist Mormon Housewives
Last night Jim and I were at dinner with Angela and Marc (my best friend here in AZ and her husband). We had gotten on to the subject of religion and Angela had mentioned she had come across the Feminist Mormon Housewives from Sarah’s blog and that she had found something interesting on it, the title alone I would think.
This morning after checking email and sorts I went blogging… I came across a post from that same site and wanted to share with you my comments that I had after reading it and one part in particular...
“All of us (even me, the most sheltered of good Mormon gyrls) know good decent moral people, people who wouldn’t pull the wings off a fly, who have had sex outside of marriage.It is hard for me to believe that these basically-good people have committed a far more grave sin than say, a faithfully married couple who spent their lives bilking elderly people of their life savings.
It just doesn’t fall out right on my conscience-ometer.”
(This was the comment I posted, in paticular because of the comment above)
I am new to your site. I am here because of my sister has a link to a blog that has a link to your blog. I am not Mormon but… I was raised in the church and most of my family is still a part of it. I preface this so that you might have a bit of background on me and where I am coming from.My parents divorced when I was a senior in high school. They were married in the Mesa, AZ temple and had eight children together. My father “fell in love” with some one else after 25 years of marriage to my mother.
My “conscience-ometer” feels that the people who choose to have an affair or “fall in love” outside of their marriage is right up there with the gravest of sins or the ultimate wrong to their loved ones. I believe that God is a forgiving God in all matters when one truly seeks his or her forgiveness but it is the rest of us who have to live with the after math of the choices that the adulterer has made.
It is the child that is left with the broken home. It is the spouse that is left to fill the void inside them that in some way may be with them for the rest of their life. It is your family and friends, your neighbors and even co-workers who try to help pick up the pieces because it affects you in so many ways that you are unaware of. The sadness that surrounds your house turns into a black hole. You trust less and your faith wanes. Your outlook on life is never the same because of the selfish one and the choice that he or she made.
In hindsight it also contributed to me and my husband from getting together for almost twenty years. The same year that my parents divorced I “sent” him on his mission. I was so in love with this man but I was so lost in the pain and anger of “families are forever” that I vowed to myself, it won’t happen to me. I wrote him a Dear John while he was out and pushed so hard to never look back. Now at thirty-five we are married and so lucky.
We do recover, we are resilient but we are never the same.
No matter the degree of “sin” you give to adultery it affects everyone and damages us all permanently.
On Sarah’s blog she has a link to her friend in NY, http://lollygaggering.blogspot.com/ who has a link to http://feministmormonhousewives.org/
Check them out; there are so many interesting people out there.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Choices
It’s been a few days since I’ve had something I've felt of value that I have wanted to share with you all. Life can sure get busy with out even noticing it. Yesterday, I received one of the nicest e-mails from my best friend in Salt Lake. It got me contemplating my value in friends to my value in family. Are they different?
My two closest friends live in two separate states, I spend about the same amount of time with them, regardless of this fact and because of whom they choose to be and because of their value they have for life and family I feel truly honored to have them in my life.
A friend is a choice; you both must make the choice in order for it to be a true friendship.
My family, complicated would be an understatement. I have seven siblings and a mother and father who divorced my senior year in high school. When I was a kid I always believed that family is just family, no “choice” involved. Basically you’re “stuck” with whoever you got.
This is where I have been wrong. I have met people in my life who have had estranged relationships with their family members. Who have actually hadn’t spoken with a sibling or a mother or father in five or ten years. This had always baffled me. Why and not only why but How did this end up this way? I never understood it. My family has always been so close knit, I never thought in a billion years we would be that family. But everyone has a choice, even families.
Practically when I was born I had chosen my husband Jim. It wasn’t until about two years ago that we once again chose to be with each other, forever. He is my family. I value this more each day I live.
I will never again feel stuck with my family as I did when I was an adolescent. I choose each of them to be in my life, always. I love and value them dearly. We all have faults and your family is always the first to point them out. Through the years we each have put each other through some rough times by the choices we have made; I know I have had my share in this. We may not always see eye to eye on everything but what we do, regardless, we are always loved. Through all the hurt and pain, happy and sad, good or bad, I will always love my family.
I choose each one of you. Thank you for being my friend and family.
"A possiblity was born the day you were born and it will live as long as you live."
Marcus Solero
Monday, April 10, 2006
Beautiful Day!
I just wanted to post another photo from our wedding. Can you find yourself in the photo? If not, where were you? :)
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Are We All Idiots?
I was listening to some old NPR interviews “The Best of Our Knowledge” where they always bring in at least two different points of view that Jim had down loaded on his iPod. The first one was an interview with Doug Stanhope, who hosts, The Man Show. It was quite humorous because he doesn’t take himself all that seriously.
Jim Fleming, the interviewer, had asked him in particular about a skit they had done with “Dr. Phil” where they had set up a look alike Dr. Phil booth in a book store where he was promoting a supposed “new book”. An older woman approached him to get a signed copy and had indicated how she appreciated his advice. Our look alike went on to thank her and asked her to take special notice of his chapter in his new book on “Why Every Women Should Be Able To Take A Punch”. The interviewer, Fleming, asked him why he thinks some women may be offended by this and Doug said he really didn’t know why because there is no deeper meaning, it is just for laughs. He went on to say, “Is that in some way promoting beating women? How deranged would you have to be to believe that?”
It was a funny skit. I chuckled. It was also interesting to hear this misogynistic humor insist that it is light hearted funny. Doug insist that they are making fun of men, not women, because they in essence are saying “Men are idiots”, Doug’s quote. Idiots.
Richard Goldstein, co-editor of Village Voice, was the next interviewer who was asked about his opinion on The Man Show, he starts off by saying that it is some what “disturbing to have these men act out their fears of women by being aggressive” in this humorous way. Richard states he always supports free speech but insist that “comedy shouldn’t become an excuse to stop thinking seriously.” He goes on to talk about our pop culture and how this “Neo-Macho-ism” is prevalent in each generation, this rise of aggression and this panicky reaction coming out from a rise of feminist power is frightening. He insist that because of 9-11 men have come out screaming “Machoism” and say’s a number of times, “What is terrorism; if not a direct correlation to being macho?”
These two very different guests made me think that what these men were saying was poignant. I have to say that most of the men I know find this type of humor quite funny ... except maybe my oldest brother. I believe it has something to do with the American demographic that I sometimes feel are made up of mostly “idiots” - not only men but women too. People tend to soak up this humor like a sponge. We repeat jokes, we sing rap music about violence and women being raped, we even watch it on TV without even thinking who is around and what our children are possibly picking up and repeating. I believe it is because of this that people like Richard Goldstein, my brother, and I - and possibly even you - are offended by the macho humor. Not because we don't see the humor or find it funny but because the majority of people can’t separate it from it being just funny and don't realize that they start to take that in and that becomes their language and their outlook.
To quote Doug again, “Is that in some way promoting beating women? How deranged would you have to be to believe that?” Eminem may be my answer to that. The deranged are all around us. Some might even say they are in charge.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Socrates
Jim Fleming, the interviewer, had asked him in particular about a skit they had done with “Dr. Phil” where they had set up a look alike Dr. Phil booth in a book store where he was promoting a supposed “new book”. An older woman approached him to get a signed copy and had indicated how she appreciated his advice. Our look alike went on to thank her and asked her to take special notice of his chapter in his new book on “Why Every Women Should Be Able To Take A Punch”. The interviewer, Fleming, asked him why he thinks some women may be offended by this and Doug said he really didn’t know why because there is no deeper meaning, it is just for laughs. He went on to say, “Is that in some way promoting beating women? How deranged would you have to be to believe that?”
It was a funny skit. I chuckled. It was also interesting to hear this misogynistic humor insist that it is light hearted funny. Doug insist that they are making fun of men, not women, because they in essence are saying “Men are idiots”, Doug’s quote. Idiots.
Richard Goldstein, co-editor of Village Voice, was the next interviewer who was asked about his opinion on The Man Show, he starts off by saying that it is some what “disturbing to have these men act out their fears of women by being aggressive” in this humorous way. Richard states he always supports free speech but insist that “comedy shouldn’t become an excuse to stop thinking seriously.” He goes on to talk about our pop culture and how this “Neo-Macho-ism” is prevalent in each generation, this rise of aggression and this panicky reaction coming out from a rise of feminist power is frightening. He insist that because of 9-11 men have come out screaming “Machoism” and say’s a number of times, “What is terrorism; if not a direct correlation to being macho?”
These two very different guests made me think that what these men were saying was poignant. I have to say that most of the men I know find this type of humor quite funny ... except maybe my oldest brother. I believe it has something to do with the American demographic that I sometimes feel are made up of mostly “idiots” - not only men but women too. People tend to soak up this humor like a sponge. We repeat jokes, we sing rap music about violence and women being raped, we even watch it on TV without even thinking who is around and what our children are possibly picking up and repeating. I believe it is because of this that people like Richard Goldstein, my brother, and I - and possibly even you - are offended by the macho humor. Not because we don't see the humor or find it funny but because the majority of people can’t separate it from it being just funny and don't realize that they start to take that in and that becomes their language and their outlook.
To quote Doug again, “Is that in some way promoting beating women? How deranged would you have to be to believe that?” Eminem may be my answer to that. The deranged are all around us. Some might even say they are in charge.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Socrates
Friday, April 07, 2006
Hard Hat Area
So after viewing a number of different blogs last night, I see what my sister has been saying... Mine still needs some work!
Please bare with me as I fine tune it while it's under construction!
Please bare with me as I fine tune it while it's under construction!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Lucky
I was talking with my mother tonight and in doing so it made me want to ask you all… Will parents ever let go of the guilt? Will we let them? My mother feels guilty for many things. She raised eight children and with out a guide book or “self help” book from Barnes & Noble.
Jim and I have had numerous discussions on being better parents than ours were over the years we’ve been together. We both have very different relationships with both of our parents and we want to have even better relationships with our children. We talk about this a lot, even more now that we are hoping to embark on to the path of parenthood.
I have heard from many different friends and family members, how hurt and well in some cases "disappointed" in their parents with the way they raised them. After living a year here and getting closer to my students in this some what of a rural area and the environment that they are in, we had it lucky. I can’t begin to describe the insanity that most of them live in.
Lucky it is. I was lucky that I had the parents I have. I was damn lucky to have the mother I had and have. Growing up we all have had it bad in some way. We weren’t loved enough or were loved too much. Each one of you has your own story but it is what we do with the past and our experiences that help us shape the parent we want to be.
I don’t need nor want an apology from my mother. I know she is sorry for the mistakes she made. I want her to feel free and know that I will go and do the best I can because of her. I am a better person because of her.
What I want is more understanding and acceptance, not ignorance. I want us as a generation to be able to move forward. Most parents do the best they can with the tools they have, we have the opportunity to now do even better. This does not mean we won’t fall or make mistakes but we can do better, we will. We are so lucky!
Re-Vamp!
So this, as I said before is all new to me. With a little bit of guidance from Sarah I decided to go with a new color for My Blog. I also felt a picture at this time would be appropriate. The picture I nabbed is of Jim and me on our wedding day, leaving the church with friends and family around. I love this photo! Enjoy!
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are poweful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgous, talented and fabulous? Actualy who are you not to be? You are a child of the universe. You were born to manifest the glory of the universe that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
Marianne Williamson
Marianne Williamson
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
What's Up With Blog's?
I’m asking you… What is Blogging all about? I have to say, I have been so far off the whole technology bandwagon… Thanks to my sister I found out what a Blog was today and thought, I’m going to sign up! But it made me think… Are we now a society unable to have an intimate conversation? Must we post our thoughts and insights for the world to read? I sometimes fear change, is that what this is? There seems to be something wrong with the way we could be moving as a society when we are unable to sit down and trust one another and just talk.
Do we no longer have time for one another? I know that is one thing e-mail does at times (I am an email junkie, I can't deny it), it replaces our actual contact that we might have with one another…
Jim was reading an article out of Time to me this morning and this whole Blogging thing made me think about it. It’s this weeks cover on “Gen M”. Multitasker’s. In it, they, and you all know who they are, are predicting this next generation with their personal computers, cell phones, IM, My Space, I pod, etc… will eventually crash and burn. In a nut shell, they are not learning basic social skills, they are learning to multi task and with that have created these small attention spans. This really struck a chord with me as a teacher, I see it every day with my students, they are so caught up in the “stuff”.
Time this week…
"Every generation of adults sees new technology--and the social changes it stirs--as a threat to the rightful order of things: Plato warned (correctly) that reading would be the downfall of oral tradition and memory. And every generation of teenagers embraces the freedoms and possibilities wrought by technology in ways that shock the elders: just think about what the automobile did for dating."
It goes on to say…
"Gen M's multitasking habits have social and psychological implications as well.
Turkle, author of the recently reissued The Second Self: Computers and the Human Spirit, has an explanation... "There's an extraordinary fit between the medium and the moment, a heady, giddy fit in terms of social needs." The online environment, she points out, "is less risky if you are lonely and afraid of intimacy, which is almost a definition of adolescence. Things get too hot, you log off, while in real time and space, you have consequences."
This is just a small taste of the article, but do you get it? What I’m seeing? This trend...
Is it worth it? Do we care? Really?????
I had a student loose a parent a few weeks ago and it has made me think and think of what is really important in my life. It is you, all of you. I want to talk, really talk again with my friends and family.
Will I stop My Blog, you ask? No. I do look forward to it opening up dialogue that has possibly been lost. I hope also that I will be invited back into your lives and not just to view it from a window seat. You are always welcome in ours.
Let's not forget to breathe.
Do we no longer have time for one another? I know that is one thing e-mail does at times (I am an email junkie, I can't deny it), it replaces our actual contact that we might have with one another…
Jim was reading an article out of Time to me this morning and this whole Blogging thing made me think about it. It’s this weeks cover on “Gen M”. Multitasker’s. In it, they, and you all know who they are, are predicting this next generation with their personal computers, cell phones, IM, My Space, I pod, etc… will eventually crash and burn. In a nut shell, they are not learning basic social skills, they are learning to multi task and with that have created these small attention spans. This really struck a chord with me as a teacher, I see it every day with my students, they are so caught up in the “stuff”.
Time this week…
"Every generation of adults sees new technology--and the social changes it stirs--as a threat to the rightful order of things: Plato warned (correctly) that reading would be the downfall of oral tradition and memory. And every generation of teenagers embraces the freedoms and possibilities wrought by technology in ways that shock the elders: just think about what the automobile did for dating."
It goes on to say…
"Gen M's multitasking habits have social and psychological implications as well.
Turkle, author of the recently reissued The Second Self: Computers and the Human Spirit, has an explanation... "There's an extraordinary fit between the medium and the moment, a heady, giddy fit in terms of social needs." The online environment, she points out, "is less risky if you are lonely and afraid of intimacy, which is almost a definition of adolescence. Things get too hot, you log off, while in real time and space, you have consequences."
This is just a small taste of the article, but do you get it? What I’m seeing? This trend...
Is it worth it? Do we care? Really?????
I had a student loose a parent a few weeks ago and it has made me think and think of what is really important in my life. It is you, all of you. I want to talk, really talk again with my friends and family.
Will I stop My Blog, you ask? No. I do look forward to it opening up dialogue that has possibly been lost. I hope also that I will be invited back into your lives and not just to view it from a window seat. You are always welcome in ours.
Let's not forget to breathe.
